IT’S PERFECTLY OKAY TO ADMIT THAT YOU ARE NOT OKAY. MENTAL HEALTH, MY STORY.

mental health, yes let’s talk about it! i was very reluctant to write about this to be completely honest with you. it’s actually mad what i’m going to reveal as my mental health and well being in january was the worst it has ever been. i lowkey didn’t want to continue uni for the second semester, no joke.

so, i had to get surgery for particular reasons that I don’t need to disclose but imagine entering 2020 and the doctor tells you ‘you need to get surgery the next day’ lmao what the hell. didn’t have no time to prepare or nothing, i just couldn’t believe it. i went to bed the night before thinking the worst and i was sick to my stomach. bare in mind, i had an assignment that i had to submit which was group work shaking my head. i had to let two people know what’s gwarning with me before they think i was ghosting on them on purpose. they know who they are, and i won’t forget the lovely messages they said. but nah, the thing is i could of avoided getting surgery if i went to the gp for a check up sooner, and would of been good my g. but nah, ‘it’s not that deep, i’m not in pain, i can firm it, it will heal’. all these thoughts were running in my head like a tornado trying to convince myself that i’m fine. but i played myself as it did get progressively worse, the pain even doubled and i was even walking strange. my mum even clocked that i was walking mad still, but she didn’t say anything bless.

enough is a enough, i had to tell my mum what was happening to me because it wasn’t normal and i never experienced this in my life. i usually don’t get sick and my family knows this. lemme re emphasise, i rarely get sick so it was very abnormal that my family expected this from me. 

being in that hospital from 2 in the afternoon to 10 in the evening was mentally draining. i hated being there and eating those dead snacks in the vending machine bye. but seriously i’m still traumatised over this whole experience how can my mans be saying ‘you need to get surgery the next day, the first thing in the morning’. huh, look at my life lemme laugh now but back then it wasn’t a laughing matter lord have mercy. i didn’t even have surgery ‘first thing in the morning’. i had to wait until late evening for the doctors to do their magic since it wasn’t life threatening and it was a minor surgery that will take ‘10 minutes’. it didn’t take no 10 minutes bro, more like 2 hours!?! and while i was under the anaesthetic, my mum was pacing up and down nearby my hospital bed doing a madness bless. and when my surgery was finished my dad appeared out of nowhere like spider-man. i was looking dead x2. but nah that anaesthetic though take me back man, the only pleasurable thing out of this experience.

i remember waking up so disoriented, my lips were bare dry and my throat was perched since i couldn’t eat or drink anything for the whole day. omg, it was so jarring. i was on iv antibiotics though. when i did arrive back to my hospital bed it was coming to 12 and my parents had to leave as i was over the age that they could stay for the night. of course they didn’t want to leave me, i was looking dead x3 and it was mandatory. my dad left me some take away for me to eat but i didn’t have an appetite at all. this was one of the side effects of having antibiotics injected in your arm, sigh. i had to force myself to eat that to feel better as well as through my recovery process. i was so fed up being in that hospital man even though i stayed only for one night. the tests they did prior my surgery, taking my blood, checking my blood pressure and being in that operating theatre room. and yes, i know that hospital terminology you feel me? i learnt a lot in the one day i was there.

but once i was out of that hospital i was a free women, that bait hospital in east london that everyone was born in was never seeing me again until your girl is pregnant which is nowhere near soon relax. once i was settled back in my house, i was prescribed with two types of tablets that I had to take and go to the dressing clinic to start the healing process. if anyone saw me in these east london streets i was looking dead x4. this recovery progress took longer than i expected which was mentally exhausting. consuming these tablets and going to these dressing clinic appointments every other day was so depressing. and oh yeah, i had an assignment that was overdue and had to make sure i let uni know about my situation so they can grant me an extension since this is what my module leader advised me to do. that was long kmt, i was so over that module anyway so i submitted whatever to be fair. i was not in the right mental space to make it perfect because of this draining recovery process.

i came back to birms very late and one of my friends was wondering why i wasn’t in lesson but i let her know that i had surgery. i had to keep it real and the person knows who they are. but from this experience, i learnt that keeping things inside is not healthy and very detrimental to your mental health. and i know i can only speak for myself, but in the black african/caribbean community it is such a taboo topic and no one wants to speak about their feelings because of judgement and not taking you seriously. mind of colour, if you know you know haha. but not just that, i realised i wasn’t mentally alright in semester one in terms of feeling off and defeated. even though this didn’t have an affect on my assignments i just couldn’t face reality for a moment. i doubt anyone notice though as i’m a comedic person and you would think just because i make jokes and i’m happy most of the time on the outside but do you really know what’s going on with me internally?

what i’m trying to say is, mental health is important and everyone should take care of theirs. especially if your living away from home for uni, and i know it’s difficult i can relate but you are not alone. everyone is battling their own demons that they don’t want to admit or accept. let’s turn the page of talking about mental health more, shall we?

but on a positive note, this experience allowed me to be more closer with my family. once i was officially back in birms, my parents and my sisters checked on me consistently regarding my well being which i appreciated.

this experience was wild but i will never forget it as i learnt a lot of things about myself. and most importantly it is okay to not be okay. listen, we need to hype up all these doctors and nurses in these hospitals man. i couldn’t hack that sector, #stayathomesavealife! currently, i’m in the best mental space i could ever be during this coro coro madness and 2020 is looking like my year regarding the goals i intend to achieve (next blog post, shh). positive vibes and surrounded by likeminded people has been very refreshing.

throwback to that hospital when i was surrounded by sick patients, that was not the one fam. it literally sucked the energy out of me like a vampire draining it’s prey *shivers*.

but anyways lmao, i can’t even watch shows like holby city, casualty and greys anatomy because of this traumatic experience or am i just over exaggerating? i never watched these shows religiously so it’s not even that deep. but nah, any hospital scene i’m changing the channel i’m not tryna have flashbacks to that hospital gown and uncomfortable bed i beg it’s too soon! lol, don’t take me serious i’m way too dramatic. but i’m good guys, don’t worry.

and omg how can i forget that bland hospital food, nah guys i went though a lot but i’m glad that I recovered and was able to finish the rest of uni. lemme end this now, i will see you next week my butterflies and i hope my story has made you uncover my joker mask, or even reflect and relate to it?

quote of the week:
‘just when the caterpillar thought her life was over. she began to fly’.